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[03 Jan 2006|02:23am] |
In case you haven't noticed, this journal is now:
DEAD.
I thank you all for your time.
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| "Yeah...you know, it takes more energy to point that out then it does to leave me alone!" |
[31 Mar 2005|11:23am] |
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mood |
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I'm Voltaire's tabula rasa |
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music |
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Ambulance Ltd. - Heavy Lifting |
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I saw two women window shopping for groceries earlier today: "Ooh, mami, a dzallah fity fo' that big bag-a tostzitoes? 'Das mad good, we should get on 'dat shit." (If that made no sense, the woman was remarking on a cheap price for a bag of chips.)
It was just...wow. In my whole life, I've never had to worry about how much I'm spending or get scared when there isn't enough food in the kitchen. I've never not been able to take a subway because I don't have enough change, and no one's ever lent me money without me paying them back the next day. If I ever wanted to buy a t-shirt or concert tickets online, it would never be something I could only dream and wish for. I'm not saying these women were poor and I'm definitly not saying that my family is in some way, rich; because truthfully, we're not at all. Just, seeing that made me think of how many people there are in this world that don't have it so easy. And don't worry, I'm completely aware of the redundancy of this statement. I know everyone hears people talk about being lucky to have so much and then somehow tie it into a save the children or tsunami relief fund plug - which I won't be doing - but I just feel that it's an interesting thing to take into account, especially when you can feel like there's so much for yourself to be upset about. Some girl/boy is dragging you around, using you like a doormat, killing your ego and love for anything. You're not doing so well in school, all your friends seem to be getting better grades than you, you fucked up on the SATs. Everyone at your job or school is just a complete asshole, you feel like they're always talking behind your back, your teachers/boss hates you. All these problems become such an issue. Sometimes I just feel like people create this drama just so they'll have something to talk about. Because it seems to me, judging by the many people I've met in my lifetime, that we love to have something upsetting going on in our lives. Without that, we're boring. When you don't have that stalker girl who just hangs onto you constantly that you simply despise, you're nothing. You don't have anymore news; no more garbage to talk about when someone asks you about that smelly girl always following you around. You'd think that would be a good thing, a weight off someone's back, which would be embraced. But it never seems to be. This is why people stay depressed, because they're so intimidated of that looming depression not looming over them anymore. It's so comfortable. So the same. Something to rely upon when you feel like you have nothing.
A coat check employee at the Basquiat show in the Brooklyn Museum actually told me a couple days ago, "It takes more energy to frown then it does to smile!" I wanted to quote Bill Hicks so terribly.
( I wrote another one of those poems that has absolutely no significance to occurences in my life whatsoever. Enjoy yourself. )
Now, for the regularly schedualed photo; just happening to match oh-so perfectly with my new, less seizure-tastic layout:

The end.
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| "We could do it, it's right romantically." |
[19 Mar 2005|01:33am] |
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mood |
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silly man = worn out |
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music |
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Death From Above 1979 - Black History Month (I can't stop) |
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I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know there's something. I know. I set my expectations too high. For everything. Once someone's gained my trust, which is hard, but when it is gained, I expect it to be respected in turn. But I expect too much, so I allow myself to be let down hard, fast, and easy. It's really not fair to myself, and I'm just projecting my assholic guilt-trip onto everyone else. What's wrong with me, and why have I suddenly gotten into the habit of saying "I'm sorry" so profusely? Bill Hicks says the reason our society is so fucked right now is because we’re evolving. I hope he’s right; I put much of my trust in that man. ( Everythingisbullshit )
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| I'm the operator with my pocket calculator. |
[16 Feb 2005|12:56pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
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music |
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Ted Leo And The Pharmacists - Little Dawn |
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I seem to have made a little discovery as of recent. I can't really decide whether it's completely hilarious, I should feel honored, or just pissed off. Meet adriennewong; a seventeen year old girl (I'm assuming) from Ontario. Some may remember this entry I wrote a little while ago (although I wouldn't blame you if you didn't) dating at 6.24.04:
"It's that one guitar solo from the end of the 12th minute to the 13th in Echoes by Pink Floyd…it actually makes my heart ache. Like a profound pain in my chest. But you have to listen to the whole song to get the full effect..." Full entry.
Now, here's the most recent entry (2.15.05) from our dear friend, adriennewong:
"There are so many songs that make my heart ache and if there's one that stands out, it's definitely Echoes by Pink Floyd. It's that one guitar solo from the end of the twelth minute to the thirteenth minute. Like a profound pain in my chest. But you really have to listen to the whole song to get a full force effect..." Full entry.
So...um, so this is awkward.
That's just one entry. There are about eight, all intersplicing antics from her daily life, with almost always copy-and -pastings from my journal. See for yourself. I just thought someone might find some interest in that.
Anyways, if anyone would like to know a little bit further into what I've been doing out here in the City of Angels, here are some ( extremely vague pictures!: )
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| "The horror...the horror." |
[01 Feb 2005|05:42pm] |
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mood |
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happy, for a change |
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music |
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Minus The Bear - Absinthe Party At The Fly Honey Warehouse |
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If there's one thing that's really irritating to me it's people who speak the completely unnecessary. Have you ever walked out in the rain with someone and as they open their umbrella, state, "Oh, it's raining!" Or you leave a movie theatre at around 6pm and as another movie-goer passes, she states to her companion, "It's getting dark out!" Unless their friend is blind or just completely unable to determine the difference between light and dark, chances are, they're well aware that it's evening outside. I've been harboring this annoyance for a while, please forgive me.
I truly have no right to complain in fact, mostly because I've never known a time where I have been so consecutively happy. Someone I love very intensely was just visiting me here in sickeningly Eutopian LA, and it only made this insanely sunny place sunnier. I think I've become a complete cornball, it's gross and I'm sorry. I guess it just comes with the territory. But I've never loved anyone before like I love this man, so for anyone who can understand, I hope that makes up for the cheesey-ness.
( Use your imagination. )
It is hard to reaquaint yourself with a situation when you know something very important should be there.
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| I'll see you on the other side. |
[21 Dec 2004|06:09pm] |
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mood |
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content |
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music |
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Blackalicious - Alphabet Aerobics |
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I swear, if it wasn't for heat rising I would be dead right now. This cold works better than Botox. I've only been in New York for about two and a half days and it feels like already my whole world is getting swirled up into this blender of thoughts and drama. There's a lot I missed out on these past weeks and catching up is really getting ahead of me. It's just lucky that there's someone to keep me stable or else I think we'd both be very deep in godknowswhat. Actually, I just keep on feeling that the world is really working for me. As good as this is, it scares the shit out of me too because that only reassures the knowledge that life is a roller coaster and who knows when my ride is just going to start to plummet towards the ground again.
I'm always so amazed when people affirm the fact that I'm actually making a difference in their life, whether it's good or bad. It just doesn't make sense to me. I go through my life just like all the other billions of people and sometimes I just feel so completely small in every way, shape and form. Then when people are yelling at me or hugging me or telling me how much they love me or stabbing me in the back, I'm just so amazed one person's life can mean so much to others. In some way or another, we're all relying on each other and as much as we sometimes wish we could make it all go away and become a fucking deaf mute so we would never have to experience any pain again and just close yourself up in a little locked room, it's just so pointless when you look around you. I don't know, I'm just a preaching asshole.
What am I talking about? I hate how all these entries sometimes make me come off as this emo depressed fucker. It's just that usually the only times that I am able to write in here are when I'm upset in one way or another, which is depressing because that's the only impression I leave on you in here. For once in my life, I'm feeling real love, given and received, wanting and being wanted. It's awesome in every sense of the word and sometimes I don't understand how life could be this satisfying. So I just thought I'd put that out there so I (and perhaps you) wouldn't feel like this was the journal of another Zena Grey. It's amazing the way time can play tricks with your head; make everything seem to pass so slowly one minute, every day feeling like a week, and then suddenly, three days have gone by feeling like one whole mesh of emotions. I've never felt like I was living in a movie so much in my entire life.
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| ...and now a thousand years between. |
[09 Dec 2004|03:35am] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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Led Zeppelin - Tangerine |
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It's not like me to hear a song and cry. It's just notes. Words compiled into sentances. Letters of the alphabet. Compressed together to mean what? Love. Hate. Over-coming sadness. Loss. Unnecessary guilt. Joy. Hurt. All the cheese and sap to make your eyes water and nose run for three minutes and ten seconds.
I think I could present about a two-disc playlist of songs which bring back memories. For your enjoyment, and because it's vomitociously late (or early, your choice) and I am having a painstakingly horrific time of falling asleep I will list a couple (alphabetically!) and if you would like, you may participate in the activity as well. 1. A Perfect Circle - Magdalena 2. The Aphex Twin - Little Lord Fauntleroy 3. The Beach Boys - Good Vibrations 4. Blind Melon - Mouth Full Of Cavities 5. Bob Dylan - Shelter From The Storm 6. The Flaming Lips - Do You Realize? 7. (refer to "Current Music:" listed above) 8. Metric - Calculation Theme 9. Oasis - Songbird 10. Prince - Take Me With You
There. So, thus far I have been in LA for approximately ten days, meaning in ten I will be returning. In retrospect, the days pass quicker, but while you're living in the moment, once an hour is over it seems to feel like I should be on the plane already.
I'm out here doing a new movie, for anyone who didn't know. It's another Disney, which I am neither proud of, nor bitching about. It's the quasi-remake of Shaggy Dog, going by the same name. But, looking on the bright side, Lindsey Lohan is presently filming Herbie. Anything's better then the Love Bug. I always find it to be an enlighteningly mind-numbing experience to come out to LA. Although I love what I do to no end, and there is no other occupation I would rather take on, I could never live out the rest of my days in the city of angels. I would miss the reality and contentment of New York far too much. Whether I have someone mind-blowingly lovely waiting for me when I get home or not, I'd never live anywhere else.
Hope you all had a fantastic turkey mutilating day, although I am a bit late on the good tidings. I think my whole family has given up on Christmas this year and will soley be celebrating with money. A scoche depressing, but nonetheless, there's still joyous Chanukah. I'll be happy to come home.
( In lue of my recent fascination with landscapes and the like: )
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| It's officially over. The world can wave a joyous goodbye to it. |
[07 Nov 2004|02:17am] |
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mood |
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What happens now? |
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music |
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The Prodigy - Hotride (Their new album is very attractive) |
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Wow. The range of the human emotions over the span of one hour is just mind-boggling. From completely filled with a very awkward-yet-awesome love/happiness, to breaking down like never before imagined and just filled with this overall feeling of fear and confusion. If you take a step back and look at it all through a lens of some sort, it really is more than incredible. Today was...just superb. One of the most completely, unartificial, and utterly comforting days/feelings/beings/whatever. I just have trouble believing how fast some things happen. And how they even happen in the first place. One moment you're laughing hysterically, and the next, crying uncontrollably, and the next, rocking it the fuck out to The Prodigy. (Must I recommend "Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned" anymore? I strongly doubt it. Please don't hurt me if you hate it.) And the best feeling of the night was this overall feeling of letting go. Saying goodbye to your past. Don't ever get me wrong, it's still there, it's always still going to be there, somewhere in the back there. But I'd rather live from my future rather then memories which will never be repeated. This feeling of contentment is far too new. And at the same time as I know from experience that it's completely obnoxious and pretentious the maximum, you know. You know that when you're in it, you couldn't possibly care less.
I love you guys, I don't know why you all give two shits about me, but I really do appreciate it.
And now, for the sole purpose of reminiscence, a picture of Captain Planet:

Ich hatte gesprochen.
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| "Bush has won." |
[04 Nov 2004|12:56am] |
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mood |
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These little icons cannot |
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music |
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possibly describe how I feel right now. |
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I feel really sick. Sick, and angry as hell.
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| Oh, was there not, from the first, more poison in thy nature than in mine? |
[02 Nov 2004|01:56am] |
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mood |
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content |
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music |
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The Greenhornes - Lies |
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Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, it doesn't. Just when you thought it could only go up from here, it does. It's one of those things (I'm calling it a thing now) that I feel like has happened so fast, but at the same time, it was long overdue. I looked up at the sky last night, at the branches of the trees, at the leaves and the sides of buildings; it was so beautiful. Let's not jinx this.
It's amazing, there are so many people who have no concept of not having money around. My parent's have always given me something when I needed it. I never needed anyone to pay for me, in fact, I was usually the one paying for everyone else. I never knew what not being able to get even four dollars from your mother is like. I know what it's like now, I'm just lucky it's not happening to me. But what I really feel terrible about is that these kinds of things (the pretty tragic ones) have to come along and affect you directly most of the time, for you to actually starting thinking and caring about them. Like Christopher Reeves. Like 9/11. It takes a really strong and loving person to be able to care for something that has no affect on them. Because, humans are so self-centered. For so many people, an issue has to enter into their world for them to actually start caring. Like politics, I know so many people who say that it doesn't affect them, so why should they care? Well, that my friends, is probably one of the most self-consumed things I have ever heard. And to add insult to injury, it's not even true. The government affects you when you get drafted. The government affects you when it arrests you for feeling pleasent; for expressing your opinion; for stepping out of their tightly and strictly enforced line. So as a good segue, I hope that everyone (who is of age) voted, as if you haven't been told enough.

( The resemblence is uncanny. )
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| American nightmare lost in the monitor. |
[22 Oct 2004|04:28pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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Nekromantix - Alice in Psycholand |
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( In the past month or so... )
I sort of forgot the strange feeling of not having someone. I mean, I haven't been "with" anyone in a long time, but I never really thought of that lack of someone as...unwanted until now. Especially when you see all of those obnoxious couples on the subway, kissing, touching legs, sleeping on each other's shoulders, you know the PDA drill.
I hate to sound like an asshole (although I frequently do) but I "happened" across Lindsey Lohan's website (please, don't ask questions.) and she has a little journal as well. It made me almost want to vomit. I'm sorry to all the Lindsey Lohan fans out there, but the lack of intelligence was just...overwhelming, and she's about three years my senior. It just shows you how numb and asleep the majority of our culture can be. But off the negativity.
Overall, I'm satisfied. Excited for Halloween actually, as idiotic as it sounds. I'm thinking of going to greenwich village and watching all the transvestites, you're all free to join me. I'm also finally starting up some artwork that I think I'm genuinely interested in. I love drawing the figure of course, and I think that it's grand practice and a horrorshow skill to master, but I feel sort of more drawn (pun intended?!) to the abstract, even though all of my "artistic" friends are fiends of the detail and realistic. I hope abstract art isn't the easy way out, because I feel like what I'm working on now I'm completely enthralled in, but I still just keep telling myself it's doodling on a nicer piece of paper.
I'm reading a book called "Crossing the Rubicon: The Decline of the American Empire at the End of the Age of Oil by Michael C. Ruppert". If anyone wants me to give them an hour long lecture about our country and the world's supply of oil, along with the real deal on September 11th, let me know. Or just read it yourselves and lecture it to everyone else. The word needs to get out about this kind of thing before it's too late.
( I wrote you all a poem. It's untitled until further notice. )
Sleep well you all, dream of superlative things.
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| Ahem, hello. |
[30 Sep 2004|12:33am] |
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mood |
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complete |
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music |
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Russell Simmons' Def Poetry Jam |
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I'm back. Back from the dead. Back from the great beyond. Wherever I was before I came back, well, I'm not there anymore...because I'm here.
And I'm not making excuses for that last entry either, but sometimes, we all feel a bit fucky, I hope you understand that writing is a good form of therapy for me.
So...I fasted for Yom Kippur, it was the first time I've ever done that. It's really an incredible lesson. To realize what it feels like, to be completely empty. I mean, I have no idea what it's like to be like that, especially every day, and yet so many people are forced to live that way. I'm constantly in awe of the many ways of life which we will never be able to experience. And even though I'm only half Jewish, it just feels nice to know that you are a part of something.
...Funny, after waiting so long to update, I still have nothing of importance to say. So you guys say/do something witty, interesting or in some way amusing, I don't know.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-Check it out
And I do love you.
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| System Malfunction. |
[12 Sep 2004|10:04pm] |
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mood |
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I should be banned from this. |
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music |
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Songs shouldn't hurt. |
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Happy belated 9/11 day everyone. Let's rejoice for our freedom! (cough)
Christ, I'm breaking down. I need someone to help me figure all my shit out but there isn't one fucking soul out there right now. All the people who care, I couldn't care less about. All the people who don't care, I wish would give themselves to me. I seriously just want to skip this whole part of my life where every new proposition is just an opening for confusion and sadness and fast forward to the part where I'm really happy. With or without someone. Because the last thing I need right now is more...drama, or whateverthefuck you want to call it. Even this useless thing stirs up controversy. There's only so much of loving-your-depression that I can stand, after that, I'd just rather choke.
But for serious, I'm the problem here. I can't talk to anyone and it's my own fecking fault. I realize that I just want to be loved by everyone and I don't give a shit if I love them back, I just want it. It's sick. It's selfish. To want something all to yourself. It's terrible and I'm terrible right along with it. Don't disagree because you'll just be lying and there's enough of that right now as is.
This should cheer us all up.
Damn, I just can't stop singing Tangerine.
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| "A soul survivor of a dying civilization, a galaxy called integrity." |
[08 Sep 2004|03:27am] |
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mood |
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awake, which is sad. |
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music |
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Metric - Calculation Theme |
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Tonight I walked downstairs from my room to take a piss and noticed that the only things I could see reflected off the hautingly orange light streaming through the windows of my apartment were rolls upon rolls of bubble wrap. Everywhere. This is because all of the things that I have grown up around and lived through, are being taken away. Almost every painting I would ever show my friends and every brushstroke that made my living in this house gorgeous, gone. Wrapped up in bubbles, which make loud and satisfying sounds when cracked between your fingers. Along with the paintings leaving, other things seem to be exiting out our tall metal door as well. My parents practically don't exist to me anymore, especially my father. I love them both, but now that this gallery is going up on the 20th, I'm not really very important to them. This is all they think about. In fact, yesterday night at around 3:30 was the first time I had seen my dad in at least three days, and still, "seeing" is only relative to the fact that he is sleeping and walking around in the house. But I don't mean this to come off as complaining. I understand how important this is to both of them, I shouldn't be around right now anyways, I'm too much of a bother, I don't blame them.
I find it funny how from the second that we're born everyone just begins to assume things about you. They're going to grow up, get a job, have a lot of friends, attend to a decent school and have a good education, have children, find a life partner (but of the opposite sex, of course), and lead a decent life all in all. When you think of a baby, do you every consider the fact that it may not be heterosexual? I don't know how this thought came into my head, but I just feel like we're all just assumed to be this certain tolerated way until we finally just scream out otherwise, it's very strange. But I don't really know what the alternative would be. I just find it so humerous to think that people still have a problem with someone being homosexual, it's actually very confusing and nongermane to me. What is the point of having a problem with something you have absolutely no control over? It is hard to tolerate what frightens a person I guess, it's just so puzzling.
But my day was tolerable, don't get the wrong impression. While most of my friends only have one day left of freedom, I still have about two weeks. Suck that. To add to this, I am purchasing a guitar, mighty soon. If I play my cards right, it could look like this:
 Yeah, so enough of being a yuppy asshole, I will leave you now with only the best of wishes.
Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost, “where is the love?” Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost, “who put all these bodies between us?”
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| "The prisoner who now stands before you was caught...showing feelings of an almost human nature..." |
[02 Sep 2004|01:59am] |
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mood |
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sleepy and dillusional |
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music |
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"Crazy...toys in the attic he is crazy..." |
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I am a walking disclaimer: I don't know if I should still write in this thing. Because the problem is, I'm not one of those teen stars who is just all over every animal, vegetable and mineral these days. In fact, I don't even understand how some people consider me as famous, it doesn't make sense to me. But I digress. The thing is, I want to just come off as a regular person with everyday problems and thoughts. But sometimes, it just gets too intense, like I can't handle it and I don't think you should have to either. Especially those few people who come on here thinking I'm just a happy-go-lucky teen starlette or something and then just walk away disappointed, freaked out, and scared away. It makes me nervous, because I feel so bad when those kinds of things happen, therefore making me watch every single word I say, just to keep me from stepping on a hypothetical hypodermic needle. So anyways, what I'm trying to say is, all I am doing with this thing is repeating to you the thoughts in my head. If anyone already has a pre-conceived notion about who I am, stop reading now. Or, keep reading and prepare to...( prepare to have your thoughts skewed. )
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| "...isn't that right, cactus chef playing 'We Didn't Start The Fire' on the flute?" |
[13 Aug 2004|10:47pm] |
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mood |
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lost |
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music |
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Vast - Lady Of Our Dreams (...sudden urge to waltz...) |
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I'm just going to start off by being a camera whore because I just got a haircut, so ( there )
So I feel like bitching so badly right now, but at the same time, I'm completely and ultimately bored of complaining and having these really lame and upset thoughts in my head, day and night. I'm mostly worried. Worried and judging, but now - unlike before - I'm disgusted at my judging and critiquing everything, so it really licks ass. I'm worried that I won't finish anything I want to finish. Because I lack motivation so much right now, it's sick. I'm worried that I'm losing friends. Friends that I don't even know that I care about anymore, but still, it's a nice feeling to know that there are people who care about you, who you care about too. Lately, that seems to not be the case. I have like, one friend right now who I pretty much completely trust and want to be around. Then there are about two or three other people who I enjoy being around. Everyone else, I just don't want to have anything to do with, or I want to have something to do with them, but every time I do, I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed by the fact that I have no talking skills with people that I either haven't ever cared about or am slowly losing intrest in. Damn, I wish this was easier to explain because I feel like I'm coming off at a total fuckass bitch, which I'm sure I am. But believe me, I really don't mean it to come off that way (obviously). This whole losing of friends is also pretty saddening of course, especially when you feel like you've known these people for so long and then suddenly, they're gone or you're gone or you both just fade away. It fuckin sucks, but I guess the end is eventual for everything. But if an end is always predictable, then why do we even get involved? Why do we have boyfriends or girlfriends if we always know that said relationship will most likely end? I know the end was all I ever thought about when I thought about what an awesome relationship I was in. So what's the point of being unhappy about something so obvious? That's why I could never really be that upset about a breakup, because it was bound to happen, so I just never saw the point. Polkaing Christ, I've gotta stop the madness...
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| They are stelthilly approaching... |
[11 Aug 2004|04:45pm] |
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music |
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Sorry for the complete lameness of this post. |
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If you live in New York, and you're a horrorshow bastard, (like myself) wake your tired being up tonight at 4am and go up to your roof. There will be a huge meteor shower. Go meteors go. That is all.
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| America, you've sold your soul for a little capital. |
[03 Aug 2004|02:20pm] |
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mood |
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...must get out of the house! |
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music |
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GG Alin And The Germs - Gimme Some Head |
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Oh hello. I need a little bit of help. Can someone riddle me this malenky conundrum: Why the fuck is New York and DC on Orange Alert?! Do these colors really mean anything to anyone anymore? I doubt they do because seriously, nothing regarding serious terrorist attacks has happened to my beloved New York since 2001 and they have been hyping this whole god-forsaken public up for four damn years. It makes me fucking ill, and not in the hip-nadsat-lingo way. And it amazes me how many people share the same opinion and yet it never seems to squeeze out of our big screen plasma televisions. Although I'm not surprised when the biggest media organizers are also the most republican, small minded, ignorant, Bush-loving conservatives. I can't think of one possible justification for being in favor of this man right now; and by saying "this man," not only do I mean Our Faithful And Ever-Honest Leader *sarcasm*, but all the Christian white men government officials that tell him what to say as well. I admit, I am not the perfect person to be discussing political issues but you know what? ....No. Because seriously, even though that was not a rational sentance, who is the right person to be talking about it? Who the fuck actually knows what they're talking about?
Re: my question of earlier - Oh yes, I had almost forgotten. The Republican Party is coming to town!!
 Oh yeah, Eddy: "You don't have to be an asshole to love New York!"
Yes, Senor Koch - as gull-darned adorable as you are - get out of our state. It almost seems like a threat for them to come here, like a punch in the face. "You hate us so much?? Well looky there, here we are!! Right in front of your pissed off face. And there ain't nothin' you can do about it, ya damn Yanks!" They're pretty much blocking off Madison Square Gardens, not allowing anyone within a 5-10 mile radius of the building, I don't know exactly. That's just a faint clue to how nervous they are to coming here, they KNOW something is gonna happen. Something better happen.
...sorry, I can't end this entry on such a shitty note when I'm not even that depressed in the first place. Here:
 Alex is sex.
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